As long as I can remember, I loved God. However, I must admit, I used to think of prayer and meditation time as a bit of a chore, something to check off the list. Now I crave it. I used to wonder how people said they heard from God. Now I hear from Him daily. So the question comes to mind, “How did I get where I am in my relationship with God”? It did not happen overnight but it did have a starting point and, thank the Lord, there is no ending point. But what initiated this change? What gave it direction? What gave it this depth and breadth? What was the switch that started this changing process in me?
Change does not happen without true conviction. This happened for me about 10 years ago when my life became more challenging than ever. It was not because of things I did but because of uncontrollable circumstances surrounding me. These circumstances were directly from the enemy. The enemy was attacking everything in my life that I held as dear. When this point in my life arrived, I realized that I needed God because my problems devastated me and were so much bigger than what I could handle alone. I came to him in prayer, broken and hurting. This was a prayer that cried out from deep inside of me. My husband and I were grieving incredible losses and heinous attacks in our family’s life. This is the point where the growth of my Christian life began. It reminds me of the proclamation of Joseph to his brothers. Genesis 50:20 NIV [20] You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. What people did to hurt me and my family, God used to save lives.
At this point in my life, I began by making my first big decision based on what God wanted, not on what I thought best. This was the beginning of my ‘letting go’ and dying to my own desires.
John 12:24-26 NIV [24] Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. [25] Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. [26] Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.
I surrendered my control over things that, before this point, were my decision alone. And I did this vocally to my husband to keep myself accountable. The respect and approval of my husband is paramount to me so this part took a lot of guts. I didn’t want to look like a fanatic and had to realize that was only the enemy talking in my own head. My husband was going through all these trials with me, and we became even closer in this period of difficulties.
This change over the last ten years has been a process and this process is far from smooth sailing. It has been a dance with God. Sometimes I take over and try to lead only to fail miserably. However, there have been precious moments when I set aside my fear and allowed my Savior to pick me up and carry me forward cradled in his arms.
This brings me to the very important step of priorities. Before this point I was choosing to study God’s word whenever I found a convenient opportunity but my decision-making was based primarily on me and not God. I had to choose to make God my first priority in my life, not fit him in at a convenient time. I had to let go of my right to sleep in an extra 30 minutes. I learned this lesson through my church but the Spirit gave me the desire and power to pull this off. It didn’t come without failures. When I skipped this time with Him, God helped me pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again in pursuing him first thing in my day until it is no longer an effort but a privilege. It is a time that I anticipate every day.
Probably the decision to find a church that was all about God and not a social life was integral in this change. The church God led us to was functioning the way God meant it to function. Their priorities are to love God, love others, and serve the world. This order is important. We cannot serve the world without first loving God and others, because that would be legalistic. And loving God first involves authentic heartfelt worship. God then plants that love of others in our soul. This church is not about cerebral exercise but real action. They truly serve the world.
I have to be faithful with this plan and not flit around, looking to speed things up, remembering that this is not a sprint, it is a marathon. I have to fight battles with my sin daily when the lies speak louder than the truth, and find forgiveness and strength in Him to overcome. This seeking him daily, asking Him to draw me closer is powered by God. Each day, I am letting go to a bit more of my selfishness. Each day it is bringing me freedom that can only come from Him. Each day is better with Him.